Does Marissa Mayer Have It All?

Yesterday, Silicon Valley was a buzz about the appointment of Yahoo! newest CEO, Marissa Mayer. Based on her resume, she was Google's 20th employee, and their first female engineer. The bulk of Mayer's career was spent at the internet giant working on a myriad of projects, but mostly on the search team. Most reports say she pretty much topped out at Google and was overdue to blaze a path of her own...sure enough, Yahoo! came a knocking.

Shortly after her appointment, Fortune magazine broke the news about her pregnancy. This is her first, a baby boy due October 7, 2012. This puts him just a little over 2 weeks after Baby Bearhat's expected due date. She disclosed her pregnancy to Yahoo! in June and no one on the board was concerned. “They showed their evolved thinking,” Mayer told Fortune. She added that she intends for her maternity leave to only be a “few weeks long” and that she’ll be working throughout it.

So, does she have it all?

If you haven't read the latest opinion piece on "having it all" by Anne-Marie Slaughter at The Atlantic, it's a solid read. I'm getting pretty tired of hearing this phrase, but Mayer's appointment really brought it back again front and center, and I have to admit I had quite a knee jerk reaction to her maternity leave plan. I guess as much as we don't try to judge, we all have strong opinions about what's best for our babies.

Kudos to Yahoo! for not even batting an eyelash regarding the pregnancy. Having more women in prominent positions is nothing but good news for me and my daughter in regards to gender equality in the workplace, so I wish her the best. However, I can't help but cautiously eye Yahoo!'s board with skepticism. Their board is a notoriously outspoken, gossipy bunch that has already blown through 3 CEOs in 2012 alone before appointing Mayer. Between them and her own little outspoken bundle of joy, she definitely has her work cut out for her.

In my opinion (worth nothing, BTW), when we talk about "having it all" we forget about those women who have nothing. I don't know what the details of Mayer's plan is when she decides to work during her maternity leave, but no one person (man or woman) can do it alone. Her husband, family, friends and/or hired help will be involved. I myself will have a sister staying with me during my leave and have been able to secure daycare for when I return to work. It's pricey, but I am thankful that I can afford to do so. Many women don't have that option and some are forgoing time with their own children to take care of the children of women who "have it all".

So my answer is no. Marissa Mayer does not have it all...and neither do I, but what we do have are choices. The majority of single mothers and lower income families do not have the choices that we do. The mommy wars drive me nuts because to me, just the mere fact that we can choose to stay at home or work on our careers is the victory. The fact that Baby Bearhat will also someday able to make a choice along that continuum is fantastic. Why do we waste our time bickering over which is the better choice and who's a better mother? It's a class-based debate that stifles our progress.

There's still a long way to go in regards to gender equality in the workplace, but at least in regards to families, maybe we could start with something to make it easier for dads to take off time for paternity leave, and increase awareness around making stay-at-home dads more culturally acceptable. Making it financially and culturally easier for dad to share the load at home gives men an option beyond bringing home the bacon. Today, even the most stellar employee is given a hard time for taking extra unpaid leave for a new child, and the most engaged fathers still find themselves dealing with "mean girl" parents who judge him for not working and assume based on his gender that he is less qualified to raise children. Gender inequality in the workplace not only undervalues women flat out, but also undervalues a man's place in the home. This creates a lopsided decision making process when a dual-income household starts to have children.

I believe that if parents can take turns being with baby, both can take turns working on their careers, and work together to raise a family. Then maybe....finally....not just women or men, but a family can have it all.

Week 30, Only 10 More to Go!

Big milestone with the 3-0 today, we decided to celebrate with a doctor's appointment with my favorite OB. Like many practices here in San Francisco, you pick an OB, but you never know who you'll get on the big day because the doctors within a group practice have certain days and times that they are on call for labor and delivery. The practice I chose has four in rotation, but my GYN turned OB is our favorite by far.

Today we discussed the ultrasound from last week, and she put every single one of our concerns to rest. If I could, I would absolutely time this birth to have her there, but unless it's a C-section there's just no way to know! We're moving into bi-weekly check-ups now and the next ultrasound is scheduled for early August. The usual weight and measurements were taken, and we got to listen to her heartbeat again. It was a strong 151 this time and Baby Bearhat is "perfectly average" in size. Not too big, not too small...juuuust right as Goldilocks would say.

Much of my rib pain has waned as I learn to eat smaller portions. I'm sure this is good practice as my poor stomach get pushed up more and more towards my diaphragm as we reach the finish line. Luckily no heartburn! I've decided to take down my exercising a notch as I've noticed it's become much harder to breathe. 3rd trimester fatigue is moving in, as I find myself getting very sleepy by 9pm, but a good 8 hours sets me up pretty nicely for the day. Overall feeling really good and super excited now that I can say SHE and HER around friends and family. Next on our agenda? Birthing classes. Poor CGB, as if making him watch TLC's "Baby's First Day" after dinner every night isn't already torture enough.

Baby Bearhat Teaches Me A Lesson

Baby Bearhat is already teaching me a lesson, and SHE still has 11 weeks to go!

I'm a very controlling person. "Bossy" is a term frequently (and lovingly) used to describe me by my friends and family. The upside is that if you hang with me, you'll never have to worry about not having a plan. I always have a plan A, B and C for any scenario, and my idea of flexibility is to be ready with a variety of options. It doesn't always have to be my way, but I'll be damned if we sit around fiddling our thumbs when something can be checked off, accomplished or decided.

Last week we had two big events. The baby shower and an ultrasound to check on my marginal placenta previa. The baby shower was a blast (once I have the photos, there will a separate post on that!), but the ultrasound two days before didn't provide any new information to help me prepare my birth plan. For someone who always has a plan, this is was not what I wanted to hear.

A few years ago when babies were just "someday", I saw "The Business of Being Born", a documentary on contemporary delivery practices here in the U.S. that specifically delved into the growing number of medical interventions, as well as our emphasis on medication. My mother had seven children in a hospital, but without any interventions. My mother's mother had eight children, in South Korea some at home, some at a hospital, but also without any interventions. Suffice to say I assumed that I was in a good position (at least genetically) to follow suit.

Well our 20 week anatomy scan back in May begged to differ. Everything looked great, but the technician wanted to bring in the head nurse to discuss one small thing. Uh oh. My placenta was just "a teeny tiny" bit too close to the cervix. Not a complete placenta previa, but a marginal one. A complete one, in any circumstance, is an automatic one-way ticket to Cesarean city. It means that the placenta blocks the exit and will have no choice but to detach and deliver first if a woman goes into labor. So what's wrong with that? Well, as soon as a placenta detaches, your baby is no longer able to receive any oxygen. NOT GOOD. Secondly, this creates a situation for heavy blood loss in the mother. NOT GOOD AT ALL. But me and Baby Bearhat? We were marginal, with a strong possibility for movement. An 80-90% chance in fact that I would clear the green zone and get past 20mm. We left that day with an appointment to come again in 9-10 weeks.

Last week was week 29, and sadly there was no news. Still 4mm to go, and wouldn't you know it that she would be breech? Oh and not just any breech, but possibly frank breech (with at least one leg straight up) happily sucking on a toe while we poked around. The message was clear: I'm doing fine in here, live in the moment and stop obsessing about planning everything out.

So what's my birth plan? 
For the first time in my life, I don't have a plan.

I'm just ready for whatever Baby Bearhat decides to do. Maybe BB will turn, maybe the placenta will move, maybe neither. More ultrasounds are in our future, and I'm just now realizing how serious this birthing business is despite how easy my mother and grandmother made it seem. Yes, pregnancy and birthing are natural, but that doesn't mean unusual things don't happen. We have more women and babies surviving childbirth today for a reason. As someone who, "once a upon a time" envisioned giving birth with a doula in a birthing tub, I've quickly learned that it's not just about me and my plans. I've seen enough birthing stories where a mother is distraught mid-labor because things don't go the way she wants, adding tears and more stress to an already highly emotional situation. We just have to remember that sometimes mother nature throws us for a loop, and the end goal should always be to have a healthy mother and baby. I'm so grateful that I live in a time when appropriate measures can be taken to ensure that both Baby Bearhat and I will be safe.

Now I just have to keep eating and help her pack on the pounds. She needs to more than double her body weight in the next 2 months. Definitely no complaints here!